Deeper still

I am at a place where there is so much to say and none of it will come out in coherent words or sentences (just ask poor Chase!). In an effort to help myself process what the Lord is stirring in my heart, here it goes, an epic brain dump.

I think the first six weeks home are in essence survival. Not that we have had a difficult transition, but life is different now. We have brought a beautiful child into our family who spent his first months in an orphanage. We are learning what he likes, doesn't like, what overwhelms him...I am mourning the missing months that are a complete blank in my mind and heart about his beginning . Family roles are different, we are all finding our place and the new normal. I think we are getting there- slowly, surely- all grace.

And that new normal involves more than adding a family member. It involves all that comes with seeing and smelling and tasting poverty, orphans, and injustice in ways you have only heard or read about. What was a conjured image in your mind is now a photograph in your mind's eye and on your hard drive. The faces are not nameless. They are people, children...just like my children. I am struggling to live here. The grocery store is overwhelming. I am embarrassed to say how many times I have cried there. Choices, excess, the pull of our old normal- many times I have wanted to put beans, rice, and milk in the cart and walk out (after paying of course). The $3500 braces that my daughter will have placed tomorrow morning to have a straight, beautiful smile seem silly and pointless. (and yes, I realize that dental health is important and necessary) As I sat in that orthodontist office last week and was told "the bottom line", all I could see and hear were street children in Ethiopia clamoring for pieces of my cliff bar and stuffing their hungry faces with it. Oh Jesus, have mercy and come quickly. I just feel the overwhelming need to weigh and consider and pray about every moment of my day, every decision made, every dollar spent. (and daily confess that all of my walk with him should have looked like this before) Life feels heavier now. And yet in the midst of it all, I feel him speaking so clearly through His word. Drawing, inviting me into the water that is deeper still. I am finding Him sweet and gentle here. I am learning what breaks his heart and they are deep, dark things. But there is something about walking with Him here that is drawing me closer to His heart, like only a walk through sorrow can do.